I wouldn’t say I am infertile, because ever since I was a little girl, I always assumed I was so motherly, it had to mean I was super fertile. However, 3 and a half years off the pill (and not necessarily avoiding children, but not trying for them either), there has been no children, no pregnancy, sometimes no ovulation. Of course, the first few missed periods, were disappointing, I even cried once. I would talk obsessively about babies, and pregnancy, but then again, I had always been obsessed with those topics even before I hit puberty. In order to stop driving the people around me crazy with babies, I started writing it all down in a diary.
I admit, I went through the five stages of grief, and came out the other side, all recorded in my diary. I finally got to the acceptance stage because I realized I was happy with my life the way it was. I actually wrote: “I was 23 years old, and had already accepted the fact that it would always be us two. I had accepted that NO children would come along, thus I would never expect one to. I would say I was avoiding children just to shut people up, but the reality was that I no longer really cared. I was enjoying my life, was busy working, and trying to bring balance to my life.” Why was I going to despise the good life I had by wishing so much for it to change? How do you miss or suffer for someone you have never met?
Therefore, I don’t consider the infertility, I have experienced so far, a tragedy. It is not a tragedy for life to stay the same as it has always been, if children don’t show up, that would not be a tragedy. Tragedy is losing someone you’ve grown to love. Tragedy is what my mother-in-law had to suffer when she lost a seemingly perfectly healthy 27 year-old son for no apparent reason, he just didn’t wake up one morning. Nine years, and an inconclusive autopsy later, his death remains a mystery, and a horrible tragedy. Tragedy is getting pregnant, raising a boy, living with him, loving him with all your heart, and then losing him like that. So no, for me, it is not a tragedy that I have not gotten pregnant. Any sadness this “infertility” may have caused, can never compare to something like that. Waiting for something to arrive that never does, hurts way less, than losing something that was there.
Tags: babies, infertility, Intrapersonal, menstrual irregularities, mother, motherhood, pcos, pregnancy, tragedy